soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Randomize
