Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Randomize
