I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
