There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
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