Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
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