i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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