Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Randomize
