I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Randomize
