Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
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