Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize
