I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
Randomize
