thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Randomize