Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
