Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
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