We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
