Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
