he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
Her cum face looks like the large marge scene in pee-wees big adventure
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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