She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize