there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
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