One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
