walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
