i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
whose parrot is this?
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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