Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
Randomize
