my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Also, beer. Big fan.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Randomize
