this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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