I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
