i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I want to fling myself into the sun
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
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