I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
