I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
