he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
