I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Randomize
