I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
