I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
