My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
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