the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
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