her vagina looked like bernie madoff
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Randomize
