Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize