Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Randomize
