If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Randomize
