A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Randomize
