Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
