You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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