I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
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