i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
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