Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
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