I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement 😭😂
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