sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
