God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Randomize
