Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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