Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
