Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Randomize
