OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
