I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
