This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
