trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Randomize
