if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
