I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
That accounts for only three of the penises
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
