I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
if it makes u feel better, i skipped class so i could go to a sex convention in jersey a few hours earlier than if i went to class.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
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