mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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