You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Randomize
